Churn Chronicles Volume 1: Frontline Tactics for Creating Churn

//Churn Chronicles Volume 1: Frontline Tactics for Creating Churn
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Churn Chronicles Volume 1: Frontline Tactics for Creating Churn

By | 2018-08-06T23:56:46+00:00 August 6th, 2018|Churn Chronicles|Comments Off on Churn Chronicles Volume 1: Frontline Tactics for Creating Churn

Greetings Churngineers!

I trust this message finds you ready to stop renewals, block upsells and increase churn!  

Here at ChurnHQ we have never been more confident in the potential that you have to undermine the progress in your assigned company, ensuring that their platforms and solutions fall out of budget and lose favor with their customers.

Just last week, we received an update from veteran churngineer, Xavier S. Lawsiss about his great success at his current assignment.  In the same week, his company lost a key account that they were sure they were going to renew and expand, catching everyone by surprise –  including sales who was planning to use that account as a reference!  Plus, their very best CSM who was assigned to that account has officially burned out!  It goes without saying, job well done X.S.!  

As a quick update on Churn-Con 2018, we are pleased to report that of the hundreds of people who registered to attend this year, every last one of them has now given notice that they will not be coming!  That’s right folks, 100% churn for the 8th year in a row.  It took a lot of work to ensure our streak would continue, but after hours of fruitless meetings, unclear expectations, and, of course, lots of charts and graphs to tell us what happened after the fact, we don’t have a single attendee once again!  

The biggest question we get here at ChurnHQ is from churngineers just like you about how each of you can climb the ranks and be recognized and get in the running to be the 2018 Churnpion!  You know we love churn.  You know we want you to each realize your potential and compete to be the best, but remember that great churn always starts with the fundamentals. So we asked Xavier to share his most powerful tip for creating churn.

“For me, you can always end with sweet, sweet churn if you start with a bad fit.  The key is your subtle influence to make a product seem exciting and useful.  If your company hasn’t defined their pains and needs on their own, don’t let them start.  An easy way to get a bad fit is to let them get sold on flashy features they don’t need that won’t solve their real problem and will ultimately create disappointment.  Most importantly, make sure the executive who is making the buying decision doesn’t worry about solving the problems of the front line people.  Have them focus first on access to information and then reinforce the idea that people will figure out how to do their job better, somehow, if they have more numbers and better charts”. -XS Lawsiss

As nearly all of you are assigned into Customer Success or related departments, be aware that C.H.U.R.N has been monitoring a platform that actually focuses on helping those teams manage the work.  If any of your accounts even utter the name of this platform, change the subject immediately and suggest any other platform.  You know from churn bootcamp that we can’t have people working together and effectively to help their customers.  Nothing kills your chances of churn faster than a team knowing what to do and how.  Have a great week and I’ll leave you with our motto:

May your renewals be few and your upsells be fewer.
May your revenue forecasts be down in the sewer.
May your customers be disappointed and plagued by concern.
May you try to avoid it but always find churn.


The CHURN (Customer Haters United to Reduce Net-Profit ) Chronicles

A satirical (but honest) look at the obstacles B2B organizations face in reducing customer churn and growing revenue.

Adam Young, Director of Customer Success at Bolstra (by day);  creative customer preservationist (24/7)

Customer Haters United to Reduce Net-Profit is an evil organization that exists to separate customers from their perception of value and return on investment with their chosen software products.  The organization actively advises its army of embedded agents (strategically placed as Customer Success Managers), known as “Churngineers” on how to create dysfunction and distract focus from those who wish to create and realize real value.  They won’t rest until every B2B software company is left without a customer to serve.

What are “The CHURN Chronicles”?

The Churn Chronicles are leaked satirical memos sent out by the leader of C.H.U.R.N, Seymour DeFicit who is the Grand Churncelor, to their well-trained, highly skilled and committed field agents giving instruction and encouragement, and sharing victories achieved in the war against profitability.

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